[table]
[div style=" background: white; width: 200px; height: 122px; font-family: raleway; text-align: right; font-size: 8pt; color: black; padding-top: 20px; margin-left: -20px"][sup]I WAS IN A FOG, I DIDN'T NOTICE EVERYTHING
WAS COMING ALL APART INSIDE OF ME
THERE WASN'T ANY WAY FOR ANYONE TO SETTLE IN
YOU MADE A SLOW DISASTER OUT ME[/sup] ...
[sub]~ you were a kindness by the national[/sub]
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a |
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[/table]
[div style=" background: white; width: 370px; min-height: 100px; margin-top: -6px; padding-left: 13px; padding-right: 13px; text-align: justify; font-family: raleway; font-size: 8pt; color: black"][align=center] WILHELM LUCERNE NOUVEL.
Lucerne was going crazy. First was the fever, and then the cold sweats. Sweating viciously through dress shirts until he found himself unbuttoning the top of his shirt just to save himself the trouble. The pain and discomfort which then began to rattle right down to the bones was when he felt regret for ever doing this to himself. He didn't have to stop - could he simply continue? Ignore all Addy's obvious attempts at looking out for the sorry excuse of a man crumbled on the floor shuddering. He pinched the bridge of his nose, squeezing his eyes shut as nausea swirled within his insides like a hurricane had taken over. He couldn't do this. It was too hard. He was being paralyzed by these awful sensations happening all at once. He was weak. So, so weak.
He only looked up when he heard Addy approach, wordless as he watched the man lower a glass of water over for Lucerne to take. And, willingly, he did, although it took a mighty effort to raise aching arms. The water rippled in the glass as his shaky hand slowly brought the drink to his lips, taking small but steady sips. A blanket was draped across his shoulders, though Lucerne was too busy pulling his legs closer to his chest, shaky breaths passing cracked lips. A furrow of his brows left Lucerne being stubborn as usual, though he didn't really have very much choice but to oblige with Addy's requests. Get through the worst of it. He couldn't back out of it now. He'd only been without his lifeline for several hours. But God did it feel like a lifetime. He waited for the other man to sit beside him, delightfully ignorant to the repressed emotion which spewed from Lucerne like an overflowing sink.
"What is the point of all this? It has been several hours already and this has proven absolutely nothing. Nothing in abundance. It's not made me a better man, hasn't cleansed the soul or whatever to purge me of a habit that you dislike. You don't even know me, and yet you insist you play this silly little game as some self-publicizing hero. Well, the joke is on you; I'm no victim in need of saving, nor are you a savior where you can flaunt me as some success story." He murmured shakily under his breath, voice low and tone defensive. But, although he was undeniably the world's greatest bastard - a skill ascertained from a very young age - this was no snap or mean utterance with intention to urge Addy away. Oh, no. This was pure self-destructing agitation - not directed towards Addy with intention to harm, but merely an affect of the sickening feeling of withdrawal. The sensation of anxiety creeping in, making him sick. It felt horrible, almost worst than the physical symptoms.
He cleared his throat, squeezing his eyes shut before sighing. "I'm... This... It's more difficult than I could ever have anticipated." It was his own little way of apologizing, the more appropriate term foreign on Lucerne's tongue as he'd not said those words in a long, long time. Ignorant to his impolite and rude ways, he never usually knew when to say sorry. But, he'd just flown into Addy and that was quite not good.
He tipped his chin up, subconsciously imitating Addy as they both rested their heads against the back of the bed, eyes gazing mindlessly up to the ceiling. And then, after a long moment of silence, Addy spoke. He chose not to respond at first, instead waiting until Addy ended up apologizing before he turned his head to look just passed Addy. "College. Uh... Yes." He paused momentarily before averting his eyes in another direction. "It's often frustrating to study - um, not that you would know, of course -" And yet another unintentional insult. "The lecturers are wrong. Their teaching styles are inconstant and their scenarios never make much logical sense. Frustrating." He cracked he tiniest of crooked smiles through an otherwise pained expression. He always had to know best, didn't he?
[align=center] I'M BURNING BRIDGES, I DESTROY THE MIRAGE
[div style="width: 400px; font-family: georgia; text-align: center; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 1; letter-spacing: 2.6px; word-spacing: 1.9px; margin-bottom: 5px;"]ALL VISIONS OF COLLISIONS, FUCKING BON VOYAGE — truce.#1303
《 WRITING &. PINTEREST &. SPOTIFY 》
[align=center] addy douglas
[div style="height: 217px; width: 342px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto"][div style="height: 217px; width: 342px; padding: 0px; font-family: arial; font-size: 10px; color: #4F4F4F; line-height: 118%; text-align: justify;"][div style="padding: 4px; background: white; width: 115px; float: left; padding-top: 0px; padding-left: 0px"][table]
| [div style="height: 50px; color: transparent; font-size: 1px; border: 1px solid #4F4F4F; width: 50px; border-bottom: 0px solid black; border-right: 0px solid white;"] |
a |
| [/table] addy should’ve seen the defensive overflow coming at him. like a dam breaking, all spewing out and causing damage. trying to, in lucerne’s case. it might not have been lucerne’s intention to point the finger of blame at addy, trying to guilt trip him into giving up. he simply sat there and listened, gazing mindlessly at the wall as he processed the words. and lucerne would never get what the point of all of it was. he’d never understand that it wasn’t about cleansing his soul or whatever bullshit that was. it wasn’t to try and be some self-publicizing hero (whatever that meant). there would never be a time where the redhead would wander about on the streets spreading the news that he had single-handedly saved a drug addict. lucerne would never see addy’s point in doing this.
probably because addy didn’t have a clue what his point in all of this was, either. he drew his knees closer to his chest, resting his arms on his knees. hands clasped. maybe it was because a part of him wanted to be the hero for once. perhaps he was tired of always being the bad guy, making wrong moves and bad decisions. it very well could be. or.. or it could be not for addy to be hero, but to find some closure from a person very close to addy. maybe it was because looking into those dulled blue hues reminded him of his mom. and it hurt to see someone following so closely in her footsteps, leaving a small reminder of her and all that she had put him through. it was to prove that he could’ve helped his mom if he’d really tried hard enough. that he hadn’t tried enough and she could still be here if he had gone and done something… that out of all his wrong moves, the one right he could ever have in his life was to save a Ronnie Douglas.
he released a deep, somewhat-shaky breath and his gaze fluttered up to the space between ceiling and wall.
too real.
so lucerne’s question would only be answered by silence. and sometimes silence was the only answer someone needed to know that the question just wasn’t right to ask. though the silence he answered with would then be replaced by lucerne sighing. filling the empty air with, “i’m… this… it’s more difficult than i could ever have anticipated.” he knew an indirect apology when he heard one. either that or an excuse for his previous ramble. either way, he’d take it for one of the more sincere things lucerne had told him as they sat there on his bedroom floor. [b]“i know,” he whispered, unsure what else to say. he’d never fully know how to be there for someone or how to make them feel better. that would never be something he’d be able to fully understand. he was so used to the rougher parts of life, too used to a world where he wasn’t allowed to be soft. that there was never time to be soft. but he at least knew how not to be an asshole sometimes, something that lucerne was apparently still working on. “shit’s not easy.”
he could see lucerne following suit in resting his head against the back of the bed from the corner of his eyes, not really finding it in himself to look over at him. even as his head turned to seemingly look at him. and of course the man would go on about college and how frustrating it was - not that you would know, the fucking nerve of that bastard - and then go on to say how the lecturers were wrong, inconsistent, and not making any logical sense. he lolled his head over to meet lucerne’s eyes, now realizing they looked the slightest bit past him. and from that tiniest, most crooked of smiles, addy couldn’t help but find his own small smile slowly creeping its way onto his.
and then, laughter. “you’re such an idiot.” he said once he’d sobered. and, while it was usually something that addy said completely sincerely - there was something about his tone that carried amusement. a lightheartedness that hadn’t been there before. guess one of the biggest compliments someone could get was an amused insult sent their way from the young man. he turned his gaze back up towards the ceiling, looking for nothing in particular as he pointed out, “you ever thought about teaching? tutoring?” god, the last thing this needed was lucerne going around teaching people. that’d be torture to every med student he was sure of it. “maybe get some fucking friends from it. stop blowing up your dealer’s phone all the goddamn time.”
[table]
[div style=" background: white; width: 200px; height: 122px; font-family: verdana; text-align: right; font-size: 7pt; color: black; padding-top: 20px; margin-left: -20px"][sup]I WAS IN A FOG, I DIDN'T NOTICE EVERYTHING
WAS COMING ALL APART INSIDE OF ME
THERE WASN'T ANY WAY FOR ANYONE TO SETTLE IN
YOU MADE A SLOW DISASTER OUT ME[/sup] ...
[sub]~ you were a kindness by the national[/sub]
|
a |
|
[/table]
[div style=" background: white; width: 370px; min-height: 100px; margin-top: -6px; padding-left: 13px; padding-right: 13px; text-align: justify; font-family: verdana; font-size: 7pt; color: black"][align=center] WILHELM LUCERNE NOUVEL.
Lucerne had come in like a whirlwind, an unintentional attempt to silence Addy or, better yet, push him to the point of giving up and leaving. But, although Addy appeared to be the monster, the one who was making Lucerne's life difficult, he was also the one who had probably saved it in the process. Lucerne was likely to have ended up dead in a bathroom stall or something, overdosed and cold if Addy hadn't have intervened. Lucerne was little more than an ticking bomb. Tick. Tick. Tick. But, he'd now been defused. This was the beginning of a new venture, although Lucerne had basically convinced himself that he was most definitely going to find a new dealer after this. But, things were going to change now. He couldn't spend the rest of his days in such a state.
Eyes had shut as Lucerne regretted his cruel words. Addy didn't deserve such abuse - even Lucerne knew that - yet he still couldn't help but come across as bitter and unforgiving. He was struggling, clear by the way beads of sweat dribbled down the side of his face, shifting an aching body about in the hopes that sitting in a particular position would relieve at least some of the discomfort. But, it was to no avail. He sighed before resting his head in his hands, expecting very little sympathy from Addy after the way Lucerne had spoken to him. Hell, Lucerne didn't expect kindness at all from his dealer of all people, and yet he was truly surprised.
But, Addy would forever be an enigma.
❝ I know. ❞ Lucerne froze. Was Addy being understanding? Lucerne by no means wished for any help as such to get him through this - he was a stubborn man who always believed that he knew best - but having the simple affirmation that he wasn't being melodramatic... Well, that felt good, if he had to be honest. He'd never been one for sentiment as sentiment was weakness in every shape and form, yet hearing those simple words from Addy really had helped Lucerne qualm some of those thoughts which were overwhelming him. All Lucerne could do was hum quietly as acknowledgement.
Silence had ensued since his previous outburst. He was no longer full of bitterness and rage, building up his walls just to watch them fall again. Now, he was simply existing, surviving through what felt like the worst he'd felt in a very, very long time. He was unsettled, heart racing uncontrollably, a sickening feeling in his stomach; was he dying? It sure felt like he was. But, Addy knew how to keep his mind off of things for the most part, instead asking about college. A good enough change of subject for a man who prided himself on his intelligence. It was no surprise to learn that Lucerne was the top of his class, despite these... downfalls in his life. Information came easily to him, and he generally had a keen interest in the topic areas as it was.
He still had a lot to learn, though.
Eyes looked towards in Addy's general direction, a look of wonderment riddling his features once he saw Addy smiling at him. And then he laughed. And then he insulted Lucerne. Confusion found itself playing across Lucerne's features; Addy had called him an idiot, and yet he smiled with a smile so genuine. Addy never failed to surprise Lucerne. An entirely new species, this Addy was. A small smile found itself on Lucerne's lips, passed seemingly pained grimaces and hesitation to misinterpret the conversation. Before - ❝ I am actually quite the highbrow. ❞ He corrected as he hadn't exactly understood the meaning of the compliment, but he was trying. Was this endearment? Perhaps, but Lucerne wasn't exactly... The most endearing.
Addy looked away, and so did Lucerne, as Addy then pointed out that Lucerne should considering tutoring people. ❝ I would be a fantastic tutor. ❞ He pointed out, ❝ Yet some people would consider otherwise. One must have at least some level of interpersonal skills in order to teach others... ❞ He paused, looking down at the ground in thought. ❝ Plus, some inform me that once I begin talking about the work, I never stop... Word vomit, to say the least. ❞
[align=center] I'M BURNING BRIDGES, I DESTROY THE MIRAGE
[div style="width: 400px; font-family: georgia; text-align: center; font-size: 5pt; line-height: 1; letter-spacing: 2.6px; word-spacing: 1.9px; margin-bottom: 5px;"]ALL VISIONS OF COLLISIONS, FUCKING BON VOYAGE — truce.#1303
《 WRITING &. PINTEREST &. SPOTIFY 》
[align=center] addy douglas
[div style="height: 217px; width: 342px; padding: 0px; padding-right: 27px; overflow: auto"][div style="height: 217px; width: 342px; padding: 0px; font-family: arial; font-size: 10px; color: #4F4F4F; line-height: 118%; text-align: justify; text-transform: lowercase"][div style="padding: 4px; background: white; width: 115px; float: left; padding-top: 0px; padding-left: 0px"][table]
| [div style="height: 50px; color: transparent; font-size: 1px; border: 1px solid #4F4F4F; width: 50px; border-bottom: 0px solid black; border-right: 0px solid white;"] |
a |
| [/table] highbrow? the fuck was a highbrow? he glanced over at the man, staring at him for a moment. oh. lucerne just didn’t seem to get the fondly uttered word. the redhead couldn’t help but huff a short note of laughter, shaking his head as he looked away. [b]“jesus. you sure are, lucerne.” there was a hint of amusement in the words. and, fuck, since when had he ever had a decent conversation with lucerne, of all people? ”if you’re a highbrow then what does that make me?” now it felt like he was simply pulling the man’s leg- though also there was the slight expectancy to either be met with a harsh criticism or a fond insult in return. at this point, either one was a win for the redhead.
and in that moment, something just - clicked. he didn’t know how or why, but it felt like he was finally looking at everything from a different view. he was looking at lucerne from a different view. the man wasn’t some shitty, rich asshole client that didn’t understand that addy had a life and more importantly a sleeping schedule. he wasn’t just some random drug addict that would desperately do anything for a fix. he was lucerne. a medical student who didn’t get humor or other basic social cues. sure, there was a lot the man didn’t seem to understand, but he was a man that was at least making an effort. couldn’t the redhead at least try and appreciate that? he stared up at the ceiling, squinting in thought. maybe he could appreciate it after all. even come to understand it a little bit.
“no shit,” he hummed as the man pointed at that he’d be a fantastic tutor - but others would be quick to think the complete opposite. he couldn’t imagine sitting there, trying to understand whatever lucerne was going on about. still, there was something about picturing lucerne of all people, rambling about something that made the other man all the more human. so he wasn’t so perfect after all. he could barely resist snorting at that. he knew he wasn’t perfect long ago, hadn’t he? “how do you get so excited about that shit? puts me to fucking sleep just thinking about it.”
guess there was a reason why addy had dropped out of school while lucerne hadn’t. it still seemed like lucerne was taking the bait of thinking about nicer, simpler things than whatever hell was going on in his body at that moment… it was nice to know that the redhead hadn’t failed to do something for once. there were some things an education just couldn’t teach you. “you’re alright,” he ended up admitting, looking over at the man. tried to convince himself it was merely for the fact that lucerne needed distracted and not because it was something he genuinely believed. he wasn’t going to be getting all soft and buddy-buddy with somebody like lucerne.
“alright.” with that addy took a moment before slowly getting up from his spot on the floor. “think that’s a sign i need to get out of here.” being nice to people wasn’t necessarily his thing. running from his kindness was a typical thing to do, he figured. he gazed down at lucerne before leaving, though, saying a simple, “you’ll be alright.” might as well assure the man he could get through this.
mainly because addy would fucking make him. but that was besides the point.
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