08-19-2017, 07:02 AM
[align=center][div style="0px; width:400px; height:auto; text-align: justify; font-size: 8pt; line-height:13px;"]journal entry no.3 / well this sucks
the anxiety has lasted three days thus far. i've never had a sickness like this that stays stuck in my system this long. my stomach turns and hurts like it's being twisted in knots. my insides feel like they are expanding like balloons and i just want them to pop so that the pain goes away. my breathing feels forced and only helps for the brief second that i am not focusing on the fact that i feel like a museum goer looking at an interactive exhibit of myself.i go through the daily routine of school work and bed times and youtube watching and tv show reference making but when i'm alone with my brain there's a feeling of glass. like i'm no longer in control. that i just go through the motions but it's the same routine with no variation and no choice and i simply comply.
i finally told my therapist about my indecisiveness to put a label on my sexuality and then instantly regretted it. we focus a lot on me as an individual but i'm not sure she gets it. she commemorates me for being able to identify a problem and how good my memory is, and for awhile i thought i was seeing improvement in myself but now i feel like i'm back tracking...or i'm hoping to be fast forwarding to wednesday so i can go and tell her that the forest inside me is burning because at sixteen no matter my sexuality, which is not important at the moment, i don't like who i am right now and i don't know how to fix this. all i want to do is go back to being a sophomore with freshly cut hair and a concert to look forward to. the forest inside me is burning and the leaves on the trees have already been cut off but i can't hear the firemen's sirens coming to put it out and that's what scares me the most: how long am i going to have to burn before i begin to grow again?
this anxiety has been slowly shoving me to the ground. i wake up with my stomach trying to commit suicide and i go to sleep with it contemplating the act again. i just want my long hair. i want the curls and their security to hold guard over my back and for the long braids to reach past my shoulder blades like red velvate ropes, blocking off strangers from knowing who i am, or rather, who i think i am. this weird midway place of existence but having a dulled sense of self is very exhausting. i'd much rather be angry but know who i am than be tired but confused about if my name even matches who i see myself as. ever since mom took audrey hepburn away from me by confirming my suspicions that That Girl is more like her than i'll ever be, it's been incredibly difficult to feel connected to one of my idols, and audrey gave me so much confidence...oh well i suppose i have dan and phil to make me feel valid,,,,new resolution is to tell my therapist about my burning forest, and hope she understands. because currently, i want to cancel all future appoitnments
the anxiety has lasted three days thus far. i've never had a sickness like this that stays stuck in my system this long. my stomach turns and hurts like it's being twisted in knots. my insides feel like they are expanding like balloons and i just want them to pop so that the pain goes away. my breathing feels forced and only helps for the brief second that i am not focusing on the fact that i feel like a museum goer looking at an interactive exhibit of myself.i go through the daily routine of school work and bed times and youtube watching and tv show reference making but when i'm alone with my brain there's a feeling of glass. like i'm no longer in control. that i just go through the motions but it's the same routine with no variation and no choice and i simply comply.
i finally told my therapist about my indecisiveness to put a label on my sexuality and then instantly regretted it. we focus a lot on me as an individual but i'm not sure she gets it. she commemorates me for being able to identify a problem and how good my memory is, and for awhile i thought i was seeing improvement in myself but now i feel like i'm back tracking...or i'm hoping to be fast forwarding to wednesday so i can go and tell her that the forest inside me is burning because at sixteen no matter my sexuality, which is not important at the moment, i don't like who i am right now and i don't know how to fix this. all i want to do is go back to being a sophomore with freshly cut hair and a concert to look forward to. the forest inside me is burning and the leaves on the trees have already been cut off but i can't hear the firemen's sirens coming to put it out and that's what scares me the most: how long am i going to have to burn before i begin to grow again?
this anxiety has been slowly shoving me to the ground. i wake up with my stomach trying to commit suicide and i go to sleep with it contemplating the act again. i just want my long hair. i want the curls and their security to hold guard over my back and for the long braids to reach past my shoulder blades like red velvate ropes, blocking off strangers from knowing who i am, or rather, who i think i am. this weird midway place of existence but having a dulled sense of self is very exhausting. i'd much rather be angry but know who i am than be tired but confused about if my name even matches who i see myself as. ever since mom took audrey hepburn away from me by confirming my suspicions that That Girl is more like her than i'll ever be, it's been incredibly difficult to feel connected to one of my idols, and audrey gave me so much confidence...oh well i suppose i have dan and phil to make me feel valid,,,,new resolution is to tell my therapist about my burning forest, and hope she understands. because currently, i want to cancel all future appoitnments
[align=center][div style="width: auto; font-size: 9pt; font-family: arial; color: black; letter-spacing: 1px;"][i]etherial, almost ghostly ― [color=black]info