hiiiiiii
ive been upset lately so hopefully this'll get shit out of my mind.
trigger warning if u do read, suicide and rape mentions
ive been upset lately so hopefully this'll get shit out of my mind.
trigger warning if u do read, suicide and rape mentions
last week was good, it was okay. until thursday, anyways. i fell asleep, i didnt mean to, i was just tired. anyone would be if they stayed up late. i think my dad is still mad but i think a lot so who knows. i said sorry, a few too many times but i dont know if he realizes that im actually sorry or not. people think that my words are lies, sometimes. ive been told i have no conscious when it comes to lying or hurting people. but i do. i feel bad when i lie, im not a psychopath, and when i hurt people, my immediate reaction is help them until they feel better. even if i hate the person i hurt. i dont want people thinking that im just okay with hurting people but ig im stuck with that. anyways, friday was kind of iffy. i apologized on thursday but the mood from when my dad picked me up just stayed with us. we didnt talk, at all. we just drove home and pretended it didnt happen. so, i apologized again on friday. he still didnt say anything but "okay." that atmosphere stayed with us the entire weekend. except, it got worse. saturday morning, i was trying to fix things. i talked to him, asked him questions. he responded with short, cut-off phrases like yes and no. it was okay. then i asked him, because i wanted to get a bit of muse for writing, how he would torture someone. he just said 'no,' which at first, confused me. i asked him why he said no and he said he wouldnt torture someone but i wasnt asking that so i made myself clearer. he replied no again and i was getting a bit agitated, i hate it when people wont just answer figurative questions. i asked again, emphasises on "if" but he just gave me a no. so, i got heated. "why arent you answering?" "i wont torture someone." "im not asking you to, im just asking how" "i wouldnt" "im not asking that! its not a yes/no question. how would you torture someone? cut off a limb? break their knees? kill the loves of their life?" "i would not torture someone." "ohmygod this isnt about you, answer!" "no" and then we started shouting, hella loud and hella quick. i didnt want to say anything more, every inch of my desire to write had washed away anyways so i just stormed upstairs. im still mad. i spent the rest of the weekend in my room, only leaving to get food or use the bathroom.
monday was by far the worst day since. i never felt so alone and im not one to talk about my feelings so. school was school, i rushed to all of my classes and did what i was told. usual stuff. lunch wasnt the best, lately ive been feeling excluded. i brought the new girl to join our table so we could be friends but she just sits there and watches. shes nice but shes not helping. my other friends chat within themselves, madison with jordan and wednesday with those two assholes. seth changed lunches and sami is being homeschooled so im only left with three now. three who are non-inclusive. jordan and madison talk about madison being loose and wednesday just,, talks. shes like that, im not really sure why. she likes being the center of attention, which i can understand, but she pretty much only makes a fool out of herself, talking about her drug problems and alcohol problems like theyre something to brag about. eeee,,for now, i watch. i sit next to emma, eat, give away my food to these friends if they ask, and occasionally try to talk to emma. anyways, i go back to class after that and continue my cycle. rush to class, perform, get good grades, move on. its boring and draining but its life. after sixth period ends, i go to my locker than to the band hall, i get my stuff and go wait for the highschool bus. this usually consists of me listening to wednesday and madison talk and occasionally yelling out "thats gay, ewww" or "i hate you <3". seventh period is the worst one of the day. swim time. i have friends, or well, a friend there but i still feel ick. the upperclassmen are pretty much exclusive to themselves, they talk before practice and you can go up to them and say hi but they wont let you join in much. the senior boys are the worst like this. nick, hunter, and eddie are okay-ish, i say hi to them everyday but wyatt, frosty, lil bit of nick, and little bit of hunter are all just eh. they stick with their group and wont let people join in unless its some pretty girl. coughcoughkyliecough. if we're supposed to be a family, why do i get glares whenever i say hi to frosty? why does wyatt give me a cold stare? anyways, moving on, seventh period on monday was hell. we played waterpolo, a fun game unless youre playing against a swim team. coach picked captains, captains were to pick teammates, easy. i was behind kylie, who couldnt stop going "im going to be picked last, im going to be picked last-" which is hella annoying if you know kylie. shes the kind, pretty mormon girl, everyone likes her. right after i told her not to worry, she was picked. people were slowly being picked off until it came down to four of us. i was the fastest of this group, most athletic, and most competitive. they picked morgan. then they picked tolsdorf, then there was two. me and sarah. i love sarah but at this point, i was going to be very upset if they picked her before me. they did and i was. after that, we jumped in and i tried to forget about it. i couldnt. i spent the first part of the game defending against frosty, the super lanky and muscular senior who wasnt afraid to punch you while playing. i figured, eh why not take one for the team? so i stayed ontop of him. good for the team bc during that time, he wasnt able to get any passes but bad for me because he likes to hit, kick, and dunk underwater. at one point, he had dunked me and held me so far underwater that i felt the bottoms of a group of people's feet hitting the top of my head. im not sure what all happened bc it was quick n my eyes were closed but i was dunked, got kicked on the head a bunch of times, kicked in the rib, then smashed against someone's torso, and got pulled above to ask if i was okay. i wasnt, i was crying, but i said yes. after that, i stayed on frosty only long enough to finish that quarter than moved on to a bigger but less violent fish, ryan. hes a nice sophomore boy so i figured he'd be better. he was but not by a super long shot. at first, i just stayed next to him, thats p much what i did with frosty too, but then i felt that he had his arm infront of me to block me from stopping him. he told me this was allowed. so i spent the rest of the game doing the same to him, rip ryan bc he didnt get any hits that game. after the game, i was tired and complaining. my body hurt from all the blows it had taken and i was exhausted from wading around. i clinged to my friend, sarah, and just talked with her until we got into the locker room. there, we found kylie spilling the tea on her situation with this boy, who i guessed accurately to be bryan. bryan is the most basic white boy. hes transphobic, homophobic, uses the n-word and f-word, and bullies people,, behind a screen. kylie told sarah and i about what happened, how bryan had been bullying her since school started with these fake instagram accounts impersonating her and dms talking about how loose and a bitch she is. she told us that in the beginning of the year, she went through some trouble with her family since the senior boys on the swim team were taking her out too much and she had highkey considered suicide. she spilled to us, i didnt say anything. i could relate, somewhat. bryan has been my bully since seventh grade, when i came out, and ive had similar feelings. but i didnt know what to say about the online stuff. im the type to see that shit and just block, then pretend it never happened so i wouldnt have to think about it. but i felt bad for her, she was a truely good person. for ex, she never curses bc she hates cuss words but she went off when talking about him. anyways, she told us that on tuesday, she was going to confront him during lunch. the entire swim team was there that day, i had forgotten it was the day of swim sign ups for the eighth graders. i saw kylie talk to them and then walk up to bryan. next thing i knew, it was heated. bryan was smiling the entire time, giving pathetic excuses like "i just dont like your personality." i hate him. everyone at the surrounding tables got quiet, too quiet, the vice principle came over bc of it and heard kylie. he asked if something was wrong, bryan said there was an issue. i hate bryan. i yelled out support for kylie. the principle man pulled them up to the side of the stage, asked them some questions, then i saw kylie leave and rush to the bathroom. she later told me she ended up crying for the majority of lunch. then, bryan came back with a smile. the principles had asked him if he felt good, calling kylie 'fucking fat' and mocking her, he said yes and got away with it. he came back, sat down, and was in no trouble. i saw kylie return a bit before lunch ended but she just stuck with the swim team. at swim that day, she told me all about it.
another thing from monday, after kylie had left, me and my friend, Sarah, stuck around talking about it. i ended up telling her how i felt like kylie when i was younger bc of this guy and pretty much just spilled. she comforted me but i just felt worse. she told me her story too, how she used to be physically attacked and raped and how she has ptsd. i never felt more like complete shit. unlike her, i have no reason to be sad, i live good. i hate myself at times like these.
tuesday, though, was sarah's birthday so after kylie left, we just dropped all the depressing talk. we spent our time talking about the past, sarah's birthday, and laughing at snapchat filters. it was nice and i was happy. until i got into the car and fell asleep immediately, which has been happening a lot lately. after arriving home, i sat on a chair and fell asleep, again. i stayed there until ten pm. then i woke up, got some food, went upstairs, ate, and fell asleep again. this prob has something to do with that on monday/tuesday morning, i didnt fall asleep until five am and woke up two hours later so my sleep schedule was wack. ive never felt more tired than when ive been constantly falling asleep.
skip to yesterday morning/this afternoon, its been okay. i still cant get the thoughts of no one liking me on the team out of my head but i cant really control that so im just doing my best to ignore them. i missed the bus but managed to get to school right after it anyways. i got valentines gifts, or well, a valentine's gift from a friend. it was just a pack of gum but it was nice for him to remember me. that one thing made me feel sm better, i really do appreciate that man sm. first period was okay, i had my trumpet back (broke it last wednesday then broke my replacement for it on friday) but i was still mad about my music (had a chair test on friday, i did good on it but then my teacher decided to just hand out parts based on our previous seats, which for me was last bc i wasnt there for the previous chair test). i had second part trumpet, which granted was just like the first's, but it had lower notes and there was no solo in it. so, i asked my teacher if i could be given first part. this is the only time ive ever asked for first part or even cared about what i played. but i genuinely liked my music (before the change) so i was like yolo. at first, when we had received our music, she told me that she gave me second part bc the other trumpets were trash n she needed a strong one to hold it together, but when i asked for first, she gave me a thicc no with no reasoning. that pissed me off. but the bell had rang so i just went to my next class. it was okay, lately, the teacher in that class has been mad all the time tho so that didnt help my mood. yelling is not teaching @ eVerY DAmN TeaCHeR in tHe StATE. i fell asleep in that class after i had finished my work, then woke up to see the principle lady standing in my face and just pretended like i was woke the entire time. sleep? whos she?? (its 2am currently btw :'] ) i went to my next class, where we had a sub bc our teacher's water broke apparently, which was ok bc i spent the entire time talking about hot egyptian boys with my fellow gays. after that was english, romeo and juliet. then math, which is easy peasy. then spanish, uck but whatever. then swim. we were playing water polo again. i took it easy today, stayed near the net so my teammates could pass me to me and i could score. that never happened, no one threw anywhere near me. but it was fine bc ig i can also enjoy not being competitive. thats a lie, i was lowkey pissed. after that, i headed into the locker room, talked to sarah, dressed, and waited outside for our rides. she asked me to play a song on my trumpet, i did, we threw rocks, i threw the farthest, then competed in lunges, i won. then she got picked up. a hour passed before i did, too. then i passed out in the car again, we got chickfilla, and then went home. here, i ate then fell asleep again. woke up at 10, showered and got on here doing misc stuff. then at 12:30ish i began writing this and the exact time rn is 2:05am now. thats like 6 hours from when i like to fall sleep.
i love my cat.
monday was by far the worst day since. i never felt so alone and im not one to talk about my feelings so. school was school, i rushed to all of my classes and did what i was told. usual stuff. lunch wasnt the best, lately ive been feeling excluded. i brought the new girl to join our table so we could be friends but she just sits there and watches. shes nice but shes not helping. my other friends chat within themselves, madison with jordan and wednesday with those two assholes. seth changed lunches and sami is being homeschooled so im only left with three now. three who are non-inclusive. jordan and madison talk about madison being loose and wednesday just,, talks. shes like that, im not really sure why. she likes being the center of attention, which i can understand, but she pretty much only makes a fool out of herself, talking about her drug problems and alcohol problems like theyre something to brag about. eeee,,for now, i watch. i sit next to emma, eat, give away my food to these friends if they ask, and occasionally try to talk to emma. anyways, i go back to class after that and continue my cycle. rush to class, perform, get good grades, move on. its boring and draining but its life. after sixth period ends, i go to my locker than to the band hall, i get my stuff and go wait for the highschool bus. this usually consists of me listening to wednesday and madison talk and occasionally yelling out "thats gay, ewww" or "i hate you <3". seventh period is the worst one of the day. swim time. i have friends, or well, a friend there but i still feel ick. the upperclassmen are pretty much exclusive to themselves, they talk before practice and you can go up to them and say hi but they wont let you join in much. the senior boys are the worst like this. nick, hunter, and eddie are okay-ish, i say hi to them everyday but wyatt, frosty, lil bit of nick, and little bit of hunter are all just eh. they stick with their group and wont let people join in unless its some pretty girl. coughcoughkyliecough. if we're supposed to be a family, why do i get glares whenever i say hi to frosty? why does wyatt give me a cold stare? anyways, moving on, seventh period on monday was hell. we played waterpolo, a fun game unless youre playing against a swim team. coach picked captains, captains were to pick teammates, easy. i was behind kylie, who couldnt stop going "im going to be picked last, im going to be picked last-" which is hella annoying if you know kylie. shes the kind, pretty mormon girl, everyone likes her. right after i told her not to worry, she was picked. people were slowly being picked off until it came down to four of us. i was the fastest of this group, most athletic, and most competitive. they picked morgan. then they picked tolsdorf, then there was two. me and sarah. i love sarah but at this point, i was going to be very upset if they picked her before me. they did and i was. after that, we jumped in and i tried to forget about it. i couldnt. i spent the first part of the game defending against frosty, the super lanky and muscular senior who wasnt afraid to punch you while playing. i figured, eh why not take one for the team? so i stayed ontop of him. good for the team bc during that time, he wasnt able to get any passes but bad for me because he likes to hit, kick, and dunk underwater. at one point, he had dunked me and held me so far underwater that i felt the bottoms of a group of people's feet hitting the top of my head. im not sure what all happened bc it was quick n my eyes were closed but i was dunked, got kicked on the head a bunch of times, kicked in the rib, then smashed against someone's torso, and got pulled above to ask if i was okay. i wasnt, i was crying, but i said yes. after that, i stayed on frosty only long enough to finish that quarter than moved on to a bigger but less violent fish, ryan. hes a nice sophomore boy so i figured he'd be better. he was but not by a super long shot. at first, i just stayed next to him, thats p much what i did with frosty too, but then i felt that he had his arm infront of me to block me from stopping him. he told me this was allowed. so i spent the rest of the game doing the same to him, rip ryan bc he didnt get any hits that game. after the game, i was tired and complaining. my body hurt from all the blows it had taken and i was exhausted from wading around. i clinged to my friend, sarah, and just talked with her until we got into the locker room. there, we found kylie spilling the tea on her situation with this boy, who i guessed accurately to be bryan. bryan is the most basic white boy. hes transphobic, homophobic, uses the n-word and f-word, and bullies people,, behind a screen. kylie told sarah and i about what happened, how bryan had been bullying her since school started with these fake instagram accounts impersonating her and dms talking about how loose and a bitch she is. she told us that in the beginning of the year, she went through some trouble with her family since the senior boys on the swim team were taking her out too much and she had highkey considered suicide. she spilled to us, i didnt say anything. i could relate, somewhat. bryan has been my bully since seventh grade, when i came out, and ive had similar feelings. but i didnt know what to say about the online stuff. im the type to see that shit and just block, then pretend it never happened so i wouldnt have to think about it. but i felt bad for her, she was a truely good person. for ex, she never curses bc she hates cuss words but she went off when talking about him. anyways, she told us that on tuesday, she was going to confront him during lunch. the entire swim team was there that day, i had forgotten it was the day of swim sign ups for the eighth graders. i saw kylie talk to them and then walk up to bryan. next thing i knew, it was heated. bryan was smiling the entire time, giving pathetic excuses like "i just dont like your personality." i hate him. everyone at the surrounding tables got quiet, too quiet, the vice principle came over bc of it and heard kylie. he asked if something was wrong, bryan said there was an issue. i hate bryan. i yelled out support for kylie. the principle man pulled them up to the side of the stage, asked them some questions, then i saw kylie leave and rush to the bathroom. she later told me she ended up crying for the majority of lunch. then, bryan came back with a smile. the principles had asked him if he felt good, calling kylie 'fucking fat' and mocking her, he said yes and got away with it. he came back, sat down, and was in no trouble. i saw kylie return a bit before lunch ended but she just stuck with the swim team. at swim that day, she told me all about it.
another thing from monday, after kylie had left, me and my friend, Sarah, stuck around talking about it. i ended up telling her how i felt like kylie when i was younger bc of this guy and pretty much just spilled. she comforted me but i just felt worse. she told me her story too, how she used to be physically attacked and raped and how she has ptsd. i never felt more like complete shit. unlike her, i have no reason to be sad, i live good. i hate myself at times like these.
tuesday, though, was sarah's birthday so after kylie left, we just dropped all the depressing talk. we spent our time talking about the past, sarah's birthday, and laughing at snapchat filters. it was nice and i was happy. until i got into the car and fell asleep immediately, which has been happening a lot lately. after arriving home, i sat on a chair and fell asleep, again. i stayed there until ten pm. then i woke up, got some food, went upstairs, ate, and fell asleep again. this prob has something to do with that on monday/tuesday morning, i didnt fall asleep until five am and woke up two hours later so my sleep schedule was wack. ive never felt more tired than when ive been constantly falling asleep.
skip to yesterday morning/this afternoon, its been okay. i still cant get the thoughts of no one liking me on the team out of my head but i cant really control that so im just doing my best to ignore them. i missed the bus but managed to get to school right after it anyways. i got valentines gifts, or well, a valentine's gift from a friend. it was just a pack of gum but it was nice for him to remember me. that one thing made me feel sm better, i really do appreciate that man sm. first period was okay, i had my trumpet back (broke it last wednesday then broke my replacement for it on friday) but i was still mad about my music (had a chair test on friday, i did good on it but then my teacher decided to just hand out parts based on our previous seats, which for me was last bc i wasnt there for the previous chair test). i had second part trumpet, which granted was just like the first's, but it had lower notes and there was no solo in it. so, i asked my teacher if i could be given first part. this is the only time ive ever asked for first part or even cared about what i played. but i genuinely liked my music (before the change) so i was like yolo. at first, when we had received our music, she told me that she gave me second part bc the other trumpets were trash n she needed a strong one to hold it together, but when i asked for first, she gave me a thicc no with no reasoning. that pissed me off. but the bell had rang so i just went to my next class. it was okay, lately, the teacher in that class has been mad all the time tho so that didnt help my mood. yelling is not teaching @ eVerY DAmN TeaCHeR in tHe StATE. i fell asleep in that class after i had finished my work, then woke up to see the principle lady standing in my face and just pretended like i was woke the entire time. sleep? whos she?? (its 2am currently btw :'] ) i went to my next class, where we had a sub bc our teacher's water broke apparently, which was ok bc i spent the entire time talking about hot egyptian boys with my fellow gays. after that was english, romeo and juliet. then math, which is easy peasy. then spanish, uck but whatever. then swim. we were playing water polo again. i took it easy today, stayed near the net so my teammates could pass me to me and i could score. that never happened, no one threw anywhere near me. but it was fine bc ig i can also enjoy not being competitive. thats a lie, i was lowkey pissed. after that, i headed into the locker room, talked to sarah, dressed, and waited outside for our rides. she asked me to play a song on my trumpet, i did, we threw rocks, i threw the farthest, then competed in lunges, i won. then she got picked up. a hour passed before i did, too. then i passed out in the car again, we got chickfilla, and then went home. here, i ate then fell asleep again. woke up at 10, showered and got on here doing misc stuff. then at 12:30ish i began writing this and the exact time rn is 2:05am now. thats like 6 hours from when i like to fall sleep.
i love my cat.
[align=center][div style="borderwidth; width: 300px; padding: 0px; text-align: justify; line-height: 15px; font-size: 8pt; color: grey;"][url=http://www.bearbonesrp.com/index.php?topic=17874.msg424501#msg424501]THEY WERE KIDS THAT I ONCE KNEW