ambrose oversharing in a journal

[ambrose m.]

[align=center][div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"]This is Ambrose's journal, where he's pretty much going to be writing down every single thought he ever has. The entries are going to be short, and ICly they're in Italian so ha to every character who can't read Italian buT I'm just writing them here in English because I don't want to have to translate every single thing.

Bleh I'm just pouring the little bits of ideas I get from threads or events here.

Code:

[align=center][div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"][align=center][b]Title[/b][/align]
Text

gunslinger extraordinaire ✧-°. tags

[ambrose m.]

[div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"][align=center]Why do I subject myself to this

My eyes have fallen on that painting so many times in the past weeks, and I must say that staring at it reminds me of not one, but two homes I have lost.

What am I talking about, he doesn't even like me. I am just weird for thinking these things. If he returns he will go back to pretending I don't exist, and I will go back to ignoring him as well. Things will not change. He will never think the same way of me as I do him. And if he were ever to find out, whatever friendship we have would be lost.

I am the only reason things cannot change. I can handle rejection, but he is the only person since Katarina and Melania who I have felt cared about me. I cannot ruin this. I will not ruin this. I ruin everything. I ruined everything.

[ambrose m.]

[div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"][align=center]My bones hurt

I should quit sitting here and pitying myself. I need to get up and do something; I can't just isolate myself forever. But no one has come for me yet, so they must not care. Who would care about me, anyway? I just want to sleep more.

[DYLAN,]

TRACK
unless you need me to delete this

[ambrose m.]

[div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"][align=center]I hate this dog

I have wanted a pet for all my life, that is true. But I cannot take care of one, and this young dog will not stop following me around constantly. I do not have the heart to force it to stop. It also reminds me of a dog breed that was popular in Italy. How do I care for this thing, if I cannot get rid of it?

[ambrose m.]

[div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"][align=center]English is hard

The phrasing of English are simple; sentences follow the same pattern as in Italian. It is just the words. There are so many different words, some of which mean things that are opposites of each other. It is such an extensive language. But I will not give up—I will become fluent in English if it kills me.

[ambrose m.]

[div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"][align=center]It doesn’t even hurt

He is gone. He will never be back. The pain hit at first, but now it is gone. He is gone.

Fuck. Fuck. FUCK. I cannot do this. I should have told him. I should have said something. I am always too late. Why am I so slow, so stupid.

Why.

Why him.

(The bottom half of the page is covered in scribbles. It is impossible to make out what was written there.)

[BORZOI]

casually tracks this even though im not in the badlands uhh dont worry about it

[ambrose m.]

[div style="width:400px;font-family:arial;font-size:9pt;line-height:1;text-align:justify;"][align=center]What the fuck

His funeral was today. His fucking funeral. It's permanent, it's not changing. He's gone for good. I thought it wouldn't hurt as much when I saw him again, when they buried him. It does. It hurts. I want to go back. But there's no going back. It is in the past - he is in the past. I think Charlie is trying to make me feel better by saying he is in a better place, but even if he is, that doesn't erase that he is dead. He is dead and there's no going

[the paper is ripped in half here, with the other half nowhere to be found]

[BORZOI]

noooooo