「 letters from the sky 」- p.

[ikigai.]

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addy douglas.

[div style="width:490px; margin-top:5px; text-align:justify; font-family: times; font-size:11px; color: #666666"][i]”somebody stupid enough to purchase drugs in the first place.” it was enough for him to roll his eyes and give nothing but a short nod. [b]”so really fucking stupid.” and that was the truth. when it came between the two of them, addy honestly thought that he was the smartest of the two in this moment. sure, addy wasn’t the most literate, nor was he the most booksmart, but he definitely knew how to live a lot smarter than lucerne seemed to. spending most of his time - most of his life - on the streets really helped to make him this much smarter, and, hell, he probably knew more about the real world than this dumbass did.

difficult to imagine-- putting a decision in the hands of somebody -- no price for their own actions.. what was lucerne trying to get at, here? raising his brows, he asked, ”why’re you bringing me into this?” it took a few more moments for him to truly process it, but when he did, he shot a glare at the other man. ”bastard. don’t even try and think it’s my fault. i didn’t have you at fuckin’ gunpoint.” it wasn’t like addy was hoping every single drug addict he met with would overdose. well.. maybe for some of them, but he was just doing what he could to get by, with this job. all addy knew was drugs. like hell would he tell lucerne that, though. he wasn’t going for some sympathy card.

but, for some reason, he was giving lucerne all of his sympathy. god, it was disgusting. what had this guy - this bastard, this fucking drug addict, done to earn addy’s sympathy? as he watched him, though, it was pretty easy to see why the redhead felt such a way. it was the shame in his eyes, the guilt. he’d seen that look many times, before. for so many years.. no wonder he had such a fucking soft spot for the look of guilt and shame in an addict’s eyes- especially an addict he chatted to so often.

so that was why he went right into action. following after lucerne, he scowled at the other’s protests. ”stop being such a bitch about it.” it seemed like lucerne understood where addy was going with this. good. if the other man wasn’t pushing him away, begging him not to do anything... or maybe lucerne genuinely thought addy wasn’t going to do anything about the stash. walking across the room, he followed lucerne’s directions, opening the bottom drawer and - there it all was. the drugs, stashed away with cigarettes. ”what? are your cigarettes a secret obsession, too?” he sneered.

but then this was when he actually made quite the daring move. grabbing the stash, he walked briskly past lucerne, glancing around the place before- bingo. bathroom. he walked in before he tossed them in the toilet, not even thinking twice before flushing. ”i know, it’s hard for you to watch or whatever bullshit.” turning his gaze back over towards lucerne, he made sure to flush the rest of the drugs before heading out of the bathroom.

”listen here,” he demanded, keeping his eyes on the other man. ”don’t ask me why, don’t even ask anything. but i’m-” he paused for a moment, almost wishing he could say something else. almost wishing he wasn’t going to make this decision. ”i’m going to help you.” help him. last time addy had tried to get someone off drugs, though, he couldn’t say his success rate was that high... but for some reason, he was determined to help this hopeless idiot. ”and it’s not some fucking act of charity out of the kindness of my heart or some shit. i don’t feel sorry for you.”

more so, he would always blame himself if he didn’t do anything.

[truce.]

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[ikigai.]

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addy douglas.

[div style="width:490px; margin-top:5px; text-align:justify; font-family: times; font-size:11px; color: #666666"]although lucerne was usually a very hard book to read, addy [i]knew what he felt. just by watching the other, trying to just get him to stop moving on with whatever plan he had, trying to get him to be distracted... [b]”maybe i had a fuckin’ date before this,” he retorted, glancing over his shoulder at the other, searching his features. god, addy never thought he’d hate someone’s smiles this much. the smiles were so obviously fake and the epitome of sarcasm. who could anyone have a sarcastic smile? ”or what? is there something also telling you that i wasn’t out fuckin’ someone?”

his remarks were defensive-- probably the giveaway that lucerne needed to know that addy wasn’t going around hooking up with the entire population. addy had been concerned about lucerne. perhaps he hadn’t consciously meant to look nice and presentable when he came over, but, somehow, part of his mind subconsciously told him to clean himself up a bit before coming over. lucerne was right. and addy absolutely hated it. but he couldn’t let the other’s remarks get to him. he couldn’t let the other deter him from what he was about to do. because as much as lucerne didn’t want to seem worried, addy could feel it.

how overdramatic. he watched as lucerne looked down the toilet, trying to gauge how he was feeling. oddly enough, lucerne wasn’t falling apart at the sight. the redhead could’ve sworn that if his mom had had her stash flushed down the toilet right in front of her, she would’ve been fishing her hand into the water, desperately trying to see if she could salvage even the smallest bit. she would’ve cried and clung to her hair, pulling hard at the roots.. but lucerne had merely taking a deep breath and followed him out of the bathroom, away from the stash. he narrowed his eyes, not quite believing that lucerne was as fine as he put on.

and then the other man snapped.

”shut the fuck up!” he retorted back at the other, even if he had admittedly been thrown off by the other’s lack of composure in that moment. ”you’re not going to recover if you’re still in denial! if you fucking o.d on those drugs, you need help!” usually he didn’t care to help his clients if they happened to overdose. but lucerne... he didn’t know why the bastard was different than all the other asshole’s he’d given drugs to in the past, but he wasn’t even going to dare question it. ”stop being such a fuckin’ bitch about it. i don’t usually sign myself up to be some drug addict’s babysitter again.” he wanted to retract the again in the phrase. but. it was too late. he doubted lucerne would even dig too much into it. he was too pissed and in need of his cigarettes.

”you’re addicted to drugs and nicotine? how are you going to afford this addiction once your mother stops funding it?” what kind of job did this guy have? part of him couldn’t help but wonder. after all, they appeared to be around the same age... addy liked to think that he had accomplished a few things in his life. i mean, he’d managed to stay afloat, managed to get his name out there so he could have a few good clients to sell his product. he waited a few moments before walking into lucerne’s room, leaning against the doorway and simply observing the other.

there lucerne sat on the edge of his bed, cigarette in hand. ”look,” he started, trying to think about how to word it without sounding like a fucking prick. however, deciding he couldn’t possibly word something considerately, politely, he pointed out, ”as much as i like watching you mope around, you kind of need to face the fucking fact that you’re an addict. haven’t you ever tried to read one of those ‘addiction recovery’ books?” addy had glanced through a few, and every single “stage” of this process always had the whole “stop being in denial” sort of thing. cheesy. but he supposed knowing that it was a problem would be somewhere for addy to start when it came to looking out for lu-- looking out for him? what the fuck?

sauntering over, he held his hand out for a cigarette. ”you live alone?”

[truce.]

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[ikigai.]

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addy douglas.

[div style="width:490px; margin-top:5px; text-align:justify; font-family: times; font-size:11px; color: #666666"][i]improbable. ouch. what made the other think that him hooking up with someone was so improbable? he glared over at the other- only for it to slowly fade into a confident smirk, his arms crossing his chest. while he’d previously felt defensive, he found himself only growing more and more smug. for once, lucerne didn’t know something. of course, addy knew everything he’d said was false- but that didn’t mean he was going to point it out to lucerne. the little bastard deserved to have that nasty expression wiped off his face.

[b]”oh, what’s that? got any ideas, lucerne?” he asked as the other mumbled a small ‘hmm.’ and.. admittedly, it was nice to feel like he was back on top again. lucerne almost always tried to outdo him, but here addy was. reigning victorious. he couldn’t help but laugh at the other man, skirting around past him as he mocked, ”that’s what i thought.” at least lucerne had been swept off the trail that maybe, maybe, addy was dressed to impress (if you could call it that) for lucerne. because he very much had been.

victory never tasted so sweet.

though, this next challenge seemed like fuckin’ mount everest compared to the previous one of simply trying to outsmart the clever man. how could he possibly sober lucerne up? he was sitting at about a 0% success rate of helping those with addiction, babysitting them and looking out for them. lucerne was just going to be another failure on the list, wasn’t he? he gazed at the other. shaky hands. unusually quiet. somber. addy was going to make lucerne’s life hell. as a result, lucerne was going to make addy’s life hell because of it. and why did addy want to put himself through that? the somber lucerne was only pulling at his heart strings, telling him to just fuckin’ help the poor man. lucerne didn’t need to know about his past failures with helping others recover. he just needed the help.

that didn’t mean he wasn’t seething at the other’s outburst. he’d been shocked, but for a while, he still felt the mild anger running through his veins. ”y’know, i’ll let you in on a little secret,” he settled on saying, watching the other for a moment before saying, ”users go out and take drugs with their friends. maybe once a week, tops, at some party scenes.” he gazed at the other long and hard as he added, ”addicts are the ones who get high when they’re alone. and try and keep that part of them a secret. doesn’t that sound about right, lu?” lu. what an adorable nickname. he studied the other carefully before sighing to himself, shaking his head and gazing around the bedroom. lucerne was painfully addicted- and addy honestly didn’t want to stick around to see the withdrawals he’d experience.

but he’d signed himself up for this, hadn’t he?

it’d be bad for her heart? addy momentarily tried to wrap his mind around the words, but lucerne was always so fucking confusing that he didn’t even try and pick apart the words. he wasn’t going to tell his mom. so his drug money was just going to keep coming, wasn’t it? this was going to be so fucking hard. ”you bet your ass you’re going cold turkey,” he immediately shot back at the other, gazing at him with slightly narrowed eyes. ”nice try, though.” cold turkey wasn’t exactly the best way to go, but for lucerne, it really seemed like the only option.

he slid over to sit on the edge of the bed beside lucerne, taking a long drag as the other talked about his roommate and nodding to himself. he took his time to answer the other’s question, holding the smoke in his longs before slowly releasing it out into the air. ”because withdrawal symptoms are a bitch, that’s why,” he answered simply, eyes squinting slightly in thought. somebody had to be available to help lucerne through the first week, at least. ”they’re usually pretty bad the first week. if you get past it, then it might be smooth sailing for you.”

might. because addy had never witnessed someone make it through the first week. ”here, i’ll give you the fuckin’ choice. do you want your roommate watching over you this week, or would you rather throw a fuckin’ slumber party and have me up your ass about it?” staying even one night with lucerne would make addy lose his mind, he knew it. how his roommate did it, he’d never know. however, if he was going to be so committed to the other recovering from this addiction, he might as well make the offer, right?

[truce.]

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[ikigai.]

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addy douglas.

[div style="width:490px; margin-top:5px; text-align:justify; font-family: times; font-size:11px; color: #666666"]addy was a spitfire. there was hardly ever a comment that he couldn’t make some sort of insult back on. it was simply because that’s [i]all he’d done most of his life- well, really he’d just had a lot of situations where he needed some kind of wit to make himself feel better. when your mom’s high on drugs in one room talking about the most random shit, it felt nice to make some snide comment. in the gang, it felt nice to see the smirk get wiped right off of one of those fucker’s lips. usually, though, he wasn’t the one having that look of contempt taken right away, the feeling vanishing as soon as it came.

today seemed to be one of those days, though. he glanced down at his shirt as lucerne talked, again, brushing his hands over the creases as if that would make them go away. his fingers gripped the fabric gently, gaze unmoving from the fabric as the other continued to talk, slowly watching his little lie begin to unravel. there had never really been someone who could make him so speechless all the time. this bastard always found something to say that could get under the redhead’s skin, more than anyone ever could. the bastard was everything that addy couldn’t stand; a drug addict, a rich guy, a.. fucking weirdo, for starters. why did addy even give the slightest shit about him, then? he was silent for a few moments, an obvious sign the other had caught him in the act. [b]”would’ve been a ‘he’,” he corrected, lifting his gaze up from his shirt to stare at the other man. ”i’m gay.”

maybe that would really do him in. he’d get him again at some other point; he couldn’t let lucerne think that he was going to win every battle with the redhead. let him have the little bits of confidence he had - that ego went through the fucking roof didn’t it? - while addy pulled ahead and won the feuds slowly but surely. as the other went dead silent at the remark, addy couldn’t help but hum in some form of satisfaction. ”you think you’re all smart. and maybe sure, you have a bit of brains. doesn’t mean i’m- fuckin’ stupid.” addy had never cared about getting an education. honestly, he’d been relieved when he’d dropped out and his mother had barely even bat an eye at the news. sure, he didn’t know how to do math, or eloquently speak english, and his knowledge of chemistry and social sciences were lacking- but you learned a thing or two out on the streets.

something seemed… off. addy couldn’t quite place it, even as lucerne got up and wished for him to go away. he sounded so quick to get him out, quick for him to leave, and- ”you have another stash, don’t you, motherfucker?” he stared at the other long and hard, almost tempted to start going through the other man’s shit. all of it. he’d rip this house apart because lucerne wasn’t squirming enough. other addicts would act like it’s the end of the world; they’d fall apart right in front of addy if their stash was thrown in the toilet, gone forever. the more he stared at lucerne, though, the less he was convinced that an extra hiding place was at the bottom of this.

pursing his lips for a moment, he took a long drag, staring lucerne down the whole time-- and then began to kick his shoes off, uncaring as he kicked them across the room. he shifted back onto lucerne’s bed a bit more before actually laying down on the plush mattress, staring up at the ceiling. ”you want to play this game? let’s fuckin’ play.” the redhead was a competitive little shit; if lucerne thought that this was some way to beat him, or some way for himself to come out on top, he was sorely mistaken. he couldn’t just let lucerne have his way. he wanted to slowly ease into recovery? no way. he was diving in head-fucking-first. he wanted addy to not help him? of course he’d ignore that. the redhead was in too deep, now. lucerne demanded that he leave?

well. tough fucking shit. looks like they were having a slumber party, weren’t they?

fuck, what was he getting himself into? ”usually i don’t do sleepovers. and something tells me you’ve probably never had someone stay over,” glancing over the other, he then added, ”ever.” taking a long drag as he turned his gaze back up to the ceiling, remarking, ”if you make this hell for me, i will fucking kill you. got that?”

[truce.]

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[ikigai.]

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addy douglas.

[div style="width:490px; margin-top:5px; text-align:justify; font-family: times; font-size:11px; color: #666666"]lucerne couldn’t [i]stand addy’s company. for a while, the other not enjoying his company had been pretty amusing. he’d never seen someone hate his presence so much. then again, the redhead had made a personal choice to never stick around enough for others to really keep his company. lucerne should’ve felt lucky to have him around, and lucky the redhead found it so amusing. after time, however, the more sass and blatant assholery the other threw his way, the more he began to regret making this decision. but he couldn’t back down, now. lucerne wanted to play this game with him, and damn was he more than ready to play. he couldn’t wait until the other was sick from his withdrawals, unable to function without the help of someone around.

but, thing is, those withdrawal symptoms never came.

the more and more he wished he’d see the other hunched over in the bathroom, puking his guts out profusely, the more disappointed he’d get to see the other man… actually somewhat thriving. addy had never been more frustrated to see someone succeeding in his life. lucerne was up to something, and while addy had thoroughly established there wasn’t a secret stash - yesterday’s fiasco of digging through all of lucerne’s shit, including his roommate’s shit, proved that there was really no stash that lucerne was hiding from him unless that bastard had the drug up his fuckin’ ass.

lucerne was up to something, but addy had no way to prove it. it was the most baffling thing in the fuckin’ world, and he couldn’t even completely wrap his head around it. he had to be up to something. was he skipping his “classes” to go and use drugs? usually whenever lucerne was out and about, addy would go to finish his deals with other clients- having more free time than he’d like to admit because his biggest client was supposedly on a “detox.” tonight, though, he was going to get to the bottom of things.

that was what he told himself as he had laid on the couch, pretending to be knocked out cold as he heard the door quietly open, as lucerne made an almost silent exit. oh, that fucker. that fucker. last thing he wanted to have to do was mess with his sleep schedule to babysit this bastard. didn’t the man realize that sleep was a pretty big fuckin’ deal? whatever. he sat up, blanket pooling around his waist, shirtless (what kind of person wore pajamas to bed except lucerne? crazy people). and then he waited. it felt like forever had passed before lucerne came. mainly because, when addy was pissed, time seemed to fly by way too slowly.

he heard the soft click of the door opening, and it was then that he rested his chin in the palm of his hand, elbow resting on one of his knees drawn to his chest. a knowing smirk. [b]”well. look who decided to show up.” throwing the blanket onto the floor, he then stood up to go closer to lucerne- that smugness quickly being replaced by absolute frustration. grabbing the taller man by the collar, he hissed, ”you’re lucky your roommate is asleep, or else you’d be getting your ass fuckin’ handed to you.”

”what’re you doing sneaking out, lucerne? is this why you’re not having withdrawals?” he searched the other’s eyes, sneering in disgust before pushing the other, harshly. ”how high are you, bastard?” he didn’t want to admit that this anger was fueled by disappointment. he’d been rooting for this guy, but he hadn’t even tried. why wasn’t he even trying?

[truce.]

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