FUCK MY WAY THROUGH COLLEGE | pim's audio diary

[MarMar]

"Let's get right into it, shall we? Um.. I'm Pimostra! Call me Pim, and this is my audio diary, I suppose. I might have to archive this later, or destroy it. Dunno..

Anyways, I joined a clan. ShadowClan. Perhaps I shouldn't take the name so seriously, but there are no shadows here. I don't understand. Well there are shadows, but.. They don't seem so important. I'm sure if my Sire was still here with me, he would understand and help explain. So much has changed since my last visit to this place, I'm afraid I have to get used to the loop once again. I miss my old body, but I have to fit in, yeah? I don't want to be shunned, though now that I think about it.. There are different beings here. Nobody seems to care about differences, I'm sure they wouldn't care if they said my real body. I'm not special, after all!

I remember there had been someone else that was supposed to be archiving everything he saw, but I suppose he defected. I wish I could find him and speak to him. I want to understand why he did it.

Well, goodbye!"

[MarMar]

[spoiler=tw abuse]There's muffled screaming before the sound is promptly replaced with the noise of bones crunching.

"That was actually kind of hard! I.. It's been too long since I've done something like that. I guess I still have it in me, eh? I mean.. I won't kill without need. I'm not a monster. I just.. I have to do everything in the name of science and then archive it for later. I need to learn feline anatomy anyways. An old corpse wouldn't do, so I had to bring in a loner. He was old. I think I did him a favor."

There's shuffling. The sound of claws scraping against something hard can be heard.

"I don't feel comfortable doing this. I really don't. One time I was, but I've changed. I think I have, anyways. Chalez said there's always a darker side to people, and all they need is one push. He pushed me one time to get me to help him. He was a good guy. He just... He wasn't happy with his life after he lost Timba. He never was the same after that. He lost himself to his experiments, and I can't blame him. I still remember the time he would yell at me, and then swat me. It hurt a lot, but he meant well. He never did much but hit, and even when that was said and done, he always apologized. I wish I could see him and say I accept. I forgive him, and he shouldn't be sorry. He needed help. He still needs help, and what better way to help him than by putting him out of his misery?"[/spoiler]

[MarMar]

There's a clicking noise and classical music started to play. There's a deep yet shaky inhale, and the sound of something cracking disturbs the calm atmosphere as a loud crack shatters the calm atmosphere completely.

"I have made my fair share of mistakes, I must admit. But none of them were ever this bad. I've.. I've held small secrets, ones I didn't think would be so bad, but now that a certain someone has found out.. I've ruined ruined everything. Is it so wrong to want happiness? To have children? A small family? Did I do wrong in making the decision to get pregnant? Ghost doesn't seem to approve.. He looked so shocked, and it hurt. It hurt a lot. It was supposed to be a moment of happiness for me, and instead I was just slapped right back into reality. My children aren't safe. I need them to be safe, but now that I know Ghost.. Ghost isn't comfortable, what am I to do?"

A pause followed by loud sniffles and a low growl.

"Will I not be granted happiness? I.. I can find someone else! My children don't need a role model like Ghost anyways! He will teach them all the wrong things, and I don't want that.. I want them to be better than me. Make better choices than I ever did... Fuck me, I have to go. Everything is so intolerable. I'm going to feed the baby crows again."

[MarMar]

"I'm having these nightmares.. Nightmares of me dying and the most painful of ways. Slow, agonizing, and I'm bleeding from knife wounds. Sometimes when I wake up, I can still feel the pain all over my body, and I'm scared. Are they a warning? I've never had dreams like this before, and I have half the mind to just forget about it. Dreams are just dreams, nobody can hurt me.. I'm safe as long as I'm in ShadowClan. People will protect me, right?"

There's awkward shuffling, and it's obvious from the noises Pim's making that she doesn't even believe herself.

"I don't want to die. I'm scared of what happens when I die. I know an afterlife exists.. I've witnessed it, but what if I'm so bad, I get swallowed by the void when I die? What if I just.. stop existing? I don't want to disappear. I don't want to be forgotten-"

The message abruptly ends. Pim turned off the tape recorder as her anxiety had gotten the better of her.

[MarMar]

"Guess I had every damn reason to be afraid of my dreams. Ghost killed me, and I am very conflicted. I.. I still love him, but I have to kill him. What if he goes for other people? What if he kills the people I'm friends with? I don't want him to hurt my children either, and I'm so damn scared. I have to kill him! The clan isn't safe with him around. He's a murderer, and they don't even know it."

Pim stops talking as she walks away for a moment to get something. After a couple of minutes, the silence is broken by her clearing her throat.

"I don't want to kill Ghost. I really don't want to. I love him, and call me fucked if you want, but fuck. I just wanted to be with him, and I screwed things up. It's my own fault I got killed, honestly. I can't back out, though. I have to kill him. Perhaps I will join him in death. Wouldn't that be romantic?"

"...No. No it would not be."